If You Could Only See
by Guardian Angel
Summary: Set at the end of Tabula Rasa, Spike's POV. S/B.


If You Could Only See

By **Guardian Angel** (eyes_only1@yahoo.com; buffyafterdark@yahoo.com)

11/13/01

**Rating:** R

**Disclaimer:** Alas, I don't own 'em…if only I did!

**Setting/Spoilers:** Set within Tabula Rasa, at the end in the Bronze.  Spike's POV, minor spoilers for Tabula Rasa.  (Actually, most spoilers are in the author's notes, I think the story only infers a few things)

**A/N:**  Dammit, here I go again…what is my obsession with angst?  Ah well, blame it on stupid UPN, and this episode.  Needless to say, I was not happy with it.  Sure, the kisses were great, but what's with the random Buffy-jumping-Spike's-bones thing?  One minute she's totally snubbing him, flip scenes for a second, flip back, and, oh look, there's Spike and Buffy playing a mad game of tonsil-hockey.  Did I miss something?  Anyway, this is what I WISH had happened in the episode…hey, if they're not gonna dish it up, I might as well have some fun with the characters, right? (No you sickos, not *that* kind of fun…more's the pity…*smirk*)

**Dedication:** To my big sis Jen, for so eagerly sharing my obsession and giving me someone to rant with; and to Ryan, the love of my life, for being able to make me go a little crazy at times.  I love you both.

Many thanks to my betas, Sheri, Jen, Cai, and Ana.  

*****

_Bugger this.  _

_Why do I let her do this to me?  Why do I keep going back, time after time, hoping that by some insane twist of fate she'll have suddenly changed her mind?  Miraculously reached the conclusion that, oh wait, she does love me.  Her bad.  _

_My bad._

_I should know better…after all, I'm a vampire, she's the Slayer.  In the end, it's as simple as that.  I don't even have a soul, like Angel did, so that she can convince herself that I'm "almost human."  That I'm worth loving.  _

_And still, I go to her.  Even after she ignores me, refusing my help up and walking away without a backward glance…even after she tells me that she'd never touch me, never kiss me.  Even after all that, I still go crawling back like a little puppy, knowing she's in pain and hoping that maybe I can coax one smile out of her, one small laugh, make her forget for just one moment that her little Scooby Gang is falling into shambles around her feet at this very moment.  _

_Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Why do I keep holding onto hope, tearing myself up inside every night, thinking that, just maybe, tonight will be the night that everything changes.  _

_How much is enough?  When am I going to finally give up, say "sod it," and disappear into the night?_

_Am I ever going to decide I've had enough?  Or am I going to remain the faithful whipping boy for the rest of this bloody existence?  _

_Ah, bloody hell.  No wonder she can't stand me, I can't even stand myself!  I'm pathetic.  _

_Worse than pathetic.  I'm a toothless, lovesick vampire who couldn't hurt anyone even if he wanted to.  Defanged, declawed, demeaned.  _

_And that's part of the irony of it all.  I've got this soddin' chip in my head that keeps me from killing people, and that's why Buffy thinks I help her.  Because I've got nothin' better to do with myself, because at least then I get the thrill of beating the snot out of someone once in awhile.  Even if it is my own kind.    _

_But that's not the truth.  Sure, this damn chip is what started it all.  But now, even if I could, I wouldn't hurt anyone.  Or at least not anyone who didn't deserve to be hurt.  Killers, rapists, those are always fair game, no matter how tame I get.  But that's not really the point, now is it?_

_The point is that I wouldn't hurt anyone even if I could; that somehow, someway, Buffy actually managed to change me, make me "better."  Oh, she never really tried to, never set out on a "let's make Spike human" mission, but in the end, the result was the same.  Helping her, day in and day out, caring for her family and friends even after she was gone, watching her selfless devotion to the world that she's saved so many times…learning to love someone that, for once, is actually worth loving.  _

_I've recently realized that I've never truly been in love with someone.  Sure, I loved Dru, but I wasn't _in_ love with her.  Unfortunately, there's a huge difference.  I loved Drusilla, but the way one loves a child, or a parent, with the odd moment of lust thrown in to confuse the mix.  She made me, in that way she was my elder, but at the same time, mentally, she was a child.  I loved her, yes, but never as an equal… Never with the intensity I do Buffy. _

_Buffy's the reason I don't kill anymore, not this soddin' chip in my brain.  And yet she doesn't seem to realize that…can't seem to grasp the concept._

_Can't seem to see past the rough exterior, the bad-ass not-a-care-in-the-world attitude, enough to realize that maybe, just maybe, I might be worth loving._

_I wish I could find the guts to sit her down and make her listen to me, force her to realize that I'm not the man- vampire- I used to be.  _

_But it's no good, I can't think of the words to say what I feel, so I stay quiet.  _

_So here I am again, dancing at her heels, hoping for her to cast a smile my way._

_Only this time, she doesn't cooperate…instead she turns away, her face stolid, stony.  She's not going to give in this time.  Damn her._

_No, damn me.  Only I'm already damned, so really, what's the bloody difference?_

_I stare at her a moment longer, before finally forcing myself to turn away._

_So this is it.  This is where she draws the line, this is where she finally stands up and tells me to fuck off, to leave her alone._

_So, I go._

_Fuck this.  I don't need her anyway._

_But…I do.  Damn her, I do.  She's like a drug rushing through my system, a powerful aphrodisiac that can make me forget everything with a tiny smile.  Without her, what's the point of my un-life?_

_I've finally found love…but you see, love hasn't found me._

_After all, who could love a vampire?_

_I leave her to her dark thoughts, but go only so far as a shadowy corner on the other side of the Bronze.  She can't see me, I can't see her, but still…somehow, just knowing that she's there, a few feet away, just a staircase between us…somehow that makes the separation just a little more bearable.  _

_God, I'm pathetic.  _

_I wish…no, it's no use thinking about what I wish.  Never happen, so why dredge up the misery?  I stare off into space, braced against the wall, not really thinking about anything.  Lost in my own misery, reduced to a state of jumbled emotions instead of coherent thought.  _

_And suddenly, I feel her.  Like a ray of sunshine cutting through the night, I feel her gaze on me.  She was heading towards the door, but when she spotted me she stopped.  Now she's just standing there.  Staring._

_Like she can't believe I'm still there…or like she's trying to make up her mind about something._

_Please God, let it be the latter.  _

**_Yes_**_.  She's walking towards me.  Whether it be to blister my ear for hanging around even after she dismissed me, or to pledge her undying love for me (yeah, right), it doesn't matter…she's coming closer.  _

_Her steps are deliberate and steady, her eyes never leaving my dark form as she stops in front of me, a foot away.  I can feel the heat radiating off her slender body, the power shimmering from her skin.  Not many can see power, especially in such a tiny body, but I can.  After being near her for so long; bearing witness to her strengths and weaknesses; watching her toss a demon twice her size across the room; after tasting her tears, how I can I look at her and not see it?_

_She gazes at me for a long moment, remaining silent.  I find myself holding the breath I don't need as I wait for her words.  _

_Dammit, just say something!_

_If you keep looking at me like that for much longer, I can't be held responsible for my actions…who could resist those endless hazel eyes?_

_And finally, as the tension between us becomes so tight I'm surprised we're not setting off sparks, she takes a step closer.  Our bodies are now mere inches away, with each breath her breasts come within millimeters of brushing against my chest._

_Sweet Jesus Buffy, say something!  Don't do this to me…don't twist me up into even tighter knots, don't abuse my feelings for your own pleasure._

_And finally, she speaks._

"You make me feel."

_The words float through my brain, only partially registering.  Her hands are on my shoulders now, she's standing on her tiptoes, looking up at me with such sadness and pain and **longing** in her eyes that I can't help myself.  _

"Please Spike…you make me feel.  I'm…I'm tired of being dead inside."  _Her gorgeous eyes plead with me, but still I remain silent, sensing that there's a tiny bit more she needs to say._

_Oh, I'm not stupid.  I know she won't tell me that she loves me…we'd both know it was a lie.  But at least she's not denying her attraction to me anymore._

_Finally, after a few seconds of silence as we study each other intently, she gathers up the courage to speak again._

"You told me…you told me that I had to go on living, so that one of us was living…So make me feel alive, Spike."  _The last sentence was spoken in the barest hint of a whisper.  If I hadn't been watching her lips so intently, I wouldn't have understood what she had said.  _

_My arms are around her now, solid bands encircling her tiny waist and lifting her up, crushing her against my body.  Her arms slide around my neck as I slowly lower my lips to hers.  For once, it isn't a kiss of mindless passion like all the others we've shared, it isn't a hasty kiss stolen during a moment of insanity.  It's a kiss of tenderness, of gentle exploration as we slowly discover the taste of each other, the texture._

_Or at least, that's how it started.  Can I really help it if, after so long of being denied, I go a little bit wild with her finally in my arms, willing and eager?  The feel of her velvety lips, the sweetness of her mouth, the heat of her tight little body crushed against mine…there's that drug again, careening wildly through my system, making me half-insane with desire._

_Can she really be blamed for giving into the moment and letting the kiss go farther than is wise for us?  For stopping me before we went farther than either of us had intended when the kiss started?_

_This time, we're both willing, we're both fully consenting._

_I guess we'll just deal with the consequences later._

_It's not everything I'd hoped for…but it's enough for now._

_And maybe, just maybe, one day it'll be more._

*****

Feedback?  Please?  You'd make me an extremely happy girl… ;-)


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